How Do You Feel?

I am starting to dread this question ‘How are you?’ because I have two choices: lie and I feel like shit, or answer truthfully and I feel like shit.

This video by Michael Henry sums up the dilemma and loneliness of lockdown, and that dilemma. This time of year always has these thorny issues of loneliness, belonging, family and community and it’s just amplified more by a Covid Christmas.

And also the queer side of that loss, which I don’t think many cis straight people truly understand. I have gotten the impression that mourning for bars or clubs seems a bit minor or shallow to them, the people who this society is made for and they can usually take family support for granted. You get a glib response that ‘yes I miss going out as well, especially the pub/clubbing I did back in my 20’s.’.

Not the same!

For a lot of us, our family has had to be created, so those queer places ARE our family. It’s like being banned from seeing your family for a year, to lose that safe space, lose that grounding and support. That is why a lot of us are foundering, especially around holidays where that family replacement/distraction is very much needed for those whose birth family have disowned them or they don’t see for their own protection or aren’t included.

To all those who are in this predicament: I see you. I know what you are going through. I can’t offer much more support than the hope that next year, with the first vaccinations happening now it will be better. But I recognise that isn’t much help for now, but if it is any consolation you are not alone in this.

And the two Xmas podcasts I am currently recording are an open mental health call to see how this might be difficult this year for so many. I hope by countering the ‘Happy Happy Christmas Joyeaux Joyeaux Noel’ messaging with something more subversive, kitsch, contemplative, downtempo and bittersweet and speaking my truth that others can feel less alone in this.

It is a weird time of year anyway but this year is the weirdest of them all, we cannot wallpaper that fact with non-stop Wham, Slade, Wizzard and Mariah. Sure that might be less ‘commercial’ for the podcast and not win many listeners over, but being there for those who need a lifeline that understands the complexities of this season is far more important.

I don’t think I could pull off a straight (pun intended) Xmas podcast anyway, it is always going to be bent and queer!