Is it asking too much, of my favorite friends,
to take these songs for real.
Is it asking too much, of my partner’s hands,
to take these songs for real?
It’s just over 20 years since I came out, so I thought given all the current 90’s nostalgia I’d (re)create a mix of music that I was listening to back then, the music I escaped into, and the tiny glimpses of queerdom in a mostly straight Britpop scene. This mix takes us from my closeted days to coming out to my best friend and parents, the rush of going on the scene and sex, and the down side: the lonely desperate looking for companionship and love in clubs and bars, feeling out of place and not welcome in the bear scene…what me and Kirk call the ‘KA effect’ after the King’s Arms, the weird vibe you get walking into a gay bar and everyone looks at you, Slaughtered Lamb style.
It’s quite emo in places, but obviously it was an intense time…Although if I did this mix at the time it would be more so, songs like Manics ‘No Surface All Feeling’ and more heavier Joy Division tracks would feature, but it all gets very dark, I wanted to include the confusion and heartbreak, but keep it lighter. On the other hand I could’ve soundtracked it all with Cardigans songs, they seem to map out the same arc as me.
I used to be a little boy
So old in my shoes
And what I choose is my choice
What’s a boy supposed to do?
The killer in me is the killer in you
My love, I send this smile over to you
I created quite a few tapes at the time, but sadly don’t have them anymore, but this is mostly from the late 80’s and early-mid 90’s, from Britpop to indie and indie dance to some cheesy pop and dance. All with meaning for me, or are flagposts for other things like the Mama Cass which is there because of Beautiful Thing…and quite a few are nods to friends of mine – James was a big Dubstar fan, the middle Britpop ‘rush’ section recalls going to Popstarz with Kirk, etc.
Only one fudge, Wide Open Space came out the same time as me (hohoho) but the Perfecto mix didn’t arrive til a year later. Watch out for part two, that covers what happened next…*cue mysterious music*
My desire it knows no shame (177Mb, 2 hours)
- Manic Street Preachers – Everything Must Go (Stealth Sonic Orchestra Remix)
- Manic Street Preachers – Everything Must Go
- Dubstar – Stars
- The Sundays – Can’t Be Sure
- David Bowie – Buddha Of Suburbia
- Shed 7 – Chasing Rainbows
- Morrissey – I Am Hated for Loving
- k.d. lang – Wash Me Clean
- Pet Shop Boys – I Want to Wake Up
- Sparklehorse – Happy Man (Memphis Version)
- Joy Division – Ice Age
- Aphex Twin – Girl/Boy Song
- Soft Cell – Frustration
- White Town – Your Woman
- Arab Strap – The First Big Weekend
- The Cardigans – Sick & Tired
- Gene – Sleep Well Tonight
- Kenickie – Come Out 2Nite
- Lush – Single Girl
- Suede – Animal Nitrate
- Super Furry Animals – Something 4 The Weekend
- Placebo – Nancy Boy
- Red Snapper – Hot Flush
- Mama Cass – Make Your Own Kind Of Music
- Saint Etienne – He’s On The Phone (Motiv 8 Mix)
- Mansun – Wide Open Space (Perfecto Mix)
- New Order – Subculture
- Shannon – Give Me Tonight
- Carter USM – Rent (Pet Shop Boys)
- McAlmont & Butler – How About You?
- Pet Shop Boys – To Speak Is A Sin
- Placebo – Hang On To Your IQ
- Smashing Pumpkins – Disarm
- Morrissey – Why Don’t You Find Out For Yourself
- George Michael – It Doesn’t Really Matter